I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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