why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
