Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Im part way to drunk.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize