yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
