I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
