I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
