Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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