I need help removing her.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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