apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
