you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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