i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
