I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
