Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
