I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
