whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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