I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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