I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize