Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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