Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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