How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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