When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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