if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
