KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
