so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
