i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize