For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
