its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Ambien. No doubt about it.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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