I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
