dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
