Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
