OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
