wat bout pragnant strippers??
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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