I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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