Heybabeimwearingurpanties
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
