getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
