I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
