I cannot find my penis.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Sext me about skeletons
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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