why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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