The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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