wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I will pee on everything he values.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
