We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
