I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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