please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
