that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
