Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
