it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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