i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
