wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
