It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
