You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
