Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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