I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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