I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
