I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
