the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
