Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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