You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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