If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
