i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
