actually, I'm a sock model
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Randomize
