you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
