I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
