so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
