what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
