your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
