apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Vodka?
Forever.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
