Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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