Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
They took my balls.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
