The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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