Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
