There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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