You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize