sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
