But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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