i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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