In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize